Hello world, it's been too long.

Well not actually, I'm not quite sure how long too long has been until I realize it...does that make sense?
Anyways I'm listening to all these old songs that have gobs of memories stuck to them, and it's making me feel like I actually have stories to tell, hah.
I'll explain them to you. Notice the recurring pattern.

Fuzzy Blue Lights by Owl City- My vacation to palm springs, where I knew I lost my best friend. We were fine for the most part, but then I guess my subconscious knew about a year before my head, I started puking at the pain I felt but I couldn't explain it. I know now.

The Heart of The Matter by India Arie- I just really like this song, it makes it easier to get through the day:)

Luv by Travis- The song I listened to when my brain actually realized I lost my best friend. And no, she didn't die, we just can't be friends anymore. How unimportant is that? well anyways I've cried to this song, and I never cry.

Slide Show by Travis- About life going on and on, How everything is beautiful but you just want to cry. I really like it. (not as an excuse for being so dramatic!)

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New- How I kept on feeling over and over and over all year that me a whatsthatgirls trying to reconstruct broken shards with chewing gum.

When The Day Met The Night by Panic At The Disco- life before the world came crashing down, oh what a wonderful world.

Memory[acoustic]>>or not< by Sugarcult- What I listened to when I got over a boy, haha now there's nobody ever ever ever to get over because there's no one there in the first place.

Play Crack The Sky by Brand New- It's beautiful in a weird dysfunctional way, good to listen to when you feel like muck.

Thats The Mistake We Made, Having Never Ever Planned To Fall In Love,
~n-ething but me please

hey, lets bulid it all back together.

I know I posted a post, but shakira changed my mind:]
I think what's missing is my smile, my real actual laughs, and maybe even liking myself again.
I know things are easier said then done, but maybe if I say it then I can do it!
I'm going to make my broken MP3 player the greatest broken music machine the world has ever seen!
I will smile more often and permit myself to be myself, which might not be too loud- or too quiet. I'm going to make it through the whole two weeks left of school, and I am not going to quit. This is a test that will make me stronger and better,
this is the way I think it will all work out:DDD I'm sure of it!
I'll love me if it kills me,
N<3
Listening To: Gypsy- Shakira

The only exception of hypocrisy, is coincendence.

Hello world, I've got a lot to say without any time on my hands.
What a shame.
I would really like to reinvent myself into something wonderful and new,
just like I used to be. hah,
This will just be quick, and like I said before I will make this thing beautiful once I have fully emptied myself, I just don't know how long that will take.
I want to branch out, but I have no fertilizer. That's just a big fat excuse now isn't it?
I've been listening to the same song on repeat for a half an hour now, I wonder when my ears will permit something else into them.
I'm really better than you think I am, than I think I am.
I just don't know how to get all that out of me, I will practice I will practice!
There is one known fact though,
The greatest place to hide a diary- the internet.
watch that slap me in the faceeee.

listening to: paramore- the only exception

The Air Vents In The Wrong Places.

by Cognizant1

I have so much bottled up inside me it's driving me mad. And I keep on letting all this steam off to the last people that still really care about me.
There's a time and place Nikaela, right here. right now.

I'm sooo:frusturated/angry/confused/sad/lonely alllll the time/sleepless/exahusted/forever awake/ and hurt by the unfairness of it all.

Yes I am wollowing in self pity thank you very much, thats what this is for.

I don't know if I'll be going on independent study and I just can't bare staying here anymore. I'm the most alone I've ever been in a big cespool of thousands of dumb teenagers.

I hate the way they crawl onto the battlefeild with long blinding hair and small pieces of see through cloth draped over their skelleton-with-a-bra body. Their high waisted pants hold onto what left of their invisble bottoms, granny shoes screaming to be original. And a little baby cow purse carrying nothing but meaningless makeup and tampons sheltering one hip. The other will have to make due with a pretty little organized binder held tightly, always at war with the others that look exactly the same.

Okay, I'm just making this up but I hate it how their the ones that are supposed to be intimidating.

Jesus I sound like everything I hate on here. but I'm going to empty myself of it until I can be clean and pretty again, with a real big kid blog that shares only the sweetest and realest things imaginable.

But besides all the gook I just emptied from myself I've got to keep my head up, stay organized and keep working towards my dream! which at the moment isn't actually independant study, its much bigger- To finally be Happy again:)

Excuse My French,
N

listening to: All The Things I've Learned- Libbie Linton

Today was kind of a long day, full of different pieces:)
First of all my closet looks like a costume closet!
(once I get my camera back from my friend I'll show you!)
it's loaded with every print and pattern, nothings normal. Sort of like me hahaxD
I'm almost done organizing everything in my room. I'm decluttering it because I've decided to go on Indepentdent Study for the rest of my freshman year.
Yeah I know, freshman year? the easiest year? well it sounds radiculous but I'm almost positive that this is the change that I really need to get back on track. Hah, I sound like a therapist.
No but honestly, I've been so lost lately. I don't know who I am or what I've become. And trying to hold on the all these lost ideas and faded away memories doesn't really get me anywhere. So I've decided to become an independant person and learn how to fend for myself! like a real wildcat...in the jungle? >>How did HSM get in there?
Annnywayssssssss. I'm just starting out this whole blogging thing and I know your generally supposed to stick to one topic at a time yadadaadaa. I have a much too short attention span for that, plus my blog looks pretty naked. Lets just think of this as a blanket to keep it warn until it can be properly housed in suburbia.
That also brings me to another point.
I <3 Lady GaGa!
At first, like everyone else I was skeptical that she was fake and poserey. But the truth is you can tell when people are truly original or just having an image because, well the fake people are playing by all these rules that someone else invented for them.
Lady GaGa made her own rules, her own self. I'm well aware she has influences from many other artist but she lives and acts by her own rules, which makes her herself:)

It's funny too because I'm listening to Libbie Linton right now, she's a really cute acoustic folkie indie? kind of singer, she's really calming and simple. Kind of like KT Tunstall or something:)

Well amungst all this nonsense, and the fact that it is god knows some ubseen hour in the morning (my computer believes I'm in Ohio), My real point is that I am going to have a new start, I admire Lady GaGa and I'm not going to worry so much about rules because I was born breaking them, and I like folkie music? oh jeeps.

So wish me luck with what I hope is my very last week of Highschool, And pray that I can learn to be myself again!

Keep on Smiling,
N<3

I've always wanted to sign my name like that:D

days for the days.

I guess I'm suppossed to introduce myself to the invisible people reading this. But since this is for me (even though I definetly don't know myself) I think I know enough as my name- Nikaela.
And the invisible you I'll probably be talking to- you'll get to know me more than myself I suppose, well at least all the things I love or just discovered:)